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Currently, in countless bars, homes, and "man caves" around America, men are gathering for a yearly ritual: their league's fantasy football draft. But, though some 15 million Americans are said to participate in fantasy football, I am not one of them. In fact, I find it incredibly boring. No, I'm not some hipster weirdo who hates sports. In fact, I love football, have begrudgingly played fantasy football numerous years in my past and eagerly await the upcoming (actual) season. I just have no interest in fantasy football because countless things about it are truly boring.
The Draft
Many people hail the draft as the most fun part of playing fantasy football. A bunch of your best buddies gathered around a giant table for an interminable amount of hours, their laptops flapped open, a pile of papers nearby, a cache of beer and booze laid before them and piles of food to satisfy their every whim. This is an enjoyable way to spend your weekend? No one has ever been enjoying a night out drinking and thought, "Man, this would sure be a lot more fun if there were no women around and we all had our laptops here so we could rank placekickers."
How Arbitrary It Is
Maybe 25 years ago, before the internet existed, fantasy football was actually somewhat enjoyable. Something that took some skill in ranking the point-scoring potential for hundreds of places over the upcoming season. But nowadays, there is pretty much a universal consensus of who you should be drafting. #1 pick? Adrian Peterson is a lock. Likewise, you'd be stupid to take a quarterback in the first round. A cricket-loving foreigner could show up at your draft day party and, so long as he had internet access, do just as well as your football-obsessed self does. And, if he's lucky enough to fall into a higher draft position than you...he'll probably do better. You sadly know it's true.
It Makes You Annoying
They used to say politics and religion were the only two things you couldn't talk about in public. That's quickly changed. I'd so much rather have someone ranting to me about why Obama is great (or isn't) or evangelizing to me about their silly man in the sky beliefs than run into the kind of blowhard who wants to tell you about his fantasy team. Oh, you "kept" Aaron Rodgers? Really, you landed Michael Vick off waivers? Wow, the Steelers defense "screwed" you this week? No one cares, not even other fantasy players, which should make you wonder if you should too.
You Have To Watch Garbage
Drug addiction turns normal people into maniacs who will do anything just to land that next hit. Fantasy football addiction makes people even worse. It turns men into little boys who have to completely clear their Sundays (and Monday nights, and sometimes even Thursdays and Saturdays) just to be certain they're in front of a TV and don't miss a single snap of a single game. No longer are you only watching your favorite team's weekly match-up as well as a few nationally kickass games, now you're stuck obsessing over everything, watching play after play of a week 13 matchup between two 3-9 teams just to hope some back-up tight end makes two catches. "Wanna go outside, honey, and take a walk?" "No, I'm busy watching the Jags play the Raiders to see if Marcedes Lewis will score."
Transactions
Of all the ways you could spend your weekday time online, analyzing the numbers and trying to figure out imaginary trades you can make with your friends and/or sexy acquisitions you could pull from your league's waiver wire, has to be the worst. It would surely be more fun to actually just do your day job. If you are going to waste time surfing the net, you do realize that same machine in front of you can access pictures of naked boobies, right?
The Ultimate Prize Is No Prize
And when this slog is all said and done after five months of time and countless hours per week of your life, what does the one winner have to show for it? A few hundred bucks from the community prize pot (and perhaps a lame trophy). Sure, that's a nice windfall if you're still in your teens, but for an adult you've just earned less than minimum wage. Sure, you say it's not the money, it's the bragging rights that are most important (even if your friends will claim you're just lucky). But of all the desireable things to have bragging rights over your best friends, I'd opt for making more money, having a hotter girlfriend, owning a larger manhood, and about 10,000 other things than being able to claim I just beat them in an imaginary football league in which we don't ever break a sweat.
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